The India Chronicles (Day 28)

Ok, I have since realized that this thing has grown to outlandish proportions! I am seeing replies or forward to messages that have 20-30 people more than I started with, which is probably 20-30 people, so this is turning into veritable newsletter. Y'all're (my new favorite word) lucky I ain't charging you!

Also, I was told that I needed to keep the running tally of how many days I have been over here because a) it's a nice chronological time line of events and b) as is becoming increasingly clear based on the feedback I am getting, it reminds people how happy that I'M here and they're not. Anything I can do for the common good!

Speaking of which, the New York Times and Washington Post called after seeing my mug in the local paper. They offered my $2000 per week for a weekly column on life in India. I told them that I am not here for the money and I prefer to do this for free! I then refused to give them rights to publish these.

Two major things happened today!!
a) I cracked the power outage code
and
b) I got a haircut

I know, you're more interested in the power outage code breaking .....

My power is currently off (that in and of itself is not news). It went off at 9:30 PM. You can actually set your watch to it, in fact 2 minutes before the downtime, you see the guy walk over to the generator so he can 'flip the switch on the generator'. Anyway, the power is off in one week cycles, with the next week starting 30 minutes from the time the previous week. This means that on Monday I will lose power at 6:00 PM. The following week it will be 6:30 PM, etc.

You may laugh and think this is tiddly-winks, but if I don't know when the power is going off I can't turn off my living room split-unit air conditioner. If I don't turn that thing off, the fuse blows on the main bus bar downstairs and I need to walk into a dark, dusty cubbyhole filled with God knows what kind of strange poisonous critters and reset the fuse. That's one walk I would prefer to not have to make, so to me, this was a major event in the life of Scott Lindstrom, International Man of Mystery and Intrigue.....

Ok, so I got my hair cut today. This was a big deal as I was afraid it would get screwed up and I'd have to #2 clipper my entire head. Maybe I should just do that as it would be a hell of a lot cooler!

So the guys at work tell me where to go, so we find the place and they're booked so we come home to eat and return about 45 minutes later. Typical small styling salon kinda thing.....you wait and wait and then they call your name. They even have magazines to read, if you can read Hindi or Malayalam. And the TV was tuned to the news discussing the election. All I heard was, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH, Congress, BLAH BLAH BLAH Gandhi BLAH BLAH BLAH Gandhi..... Seems I forgot my babel fish and don't understand Hindi or Malayalam spoken either. Couldn't tell which it was. I am fairly certain it was NOT English, French, Spanish, Portuguese, Italian, Russian, Japanese or Mandarin-Chinese.

So the guy calls my name (ok, you got me. He pointed at me) and I go back to the "hair wash station". Just like the US, but without the cool chase-lounger. I am not sure if I am supposed to sit facing away or facing towards as there is simply a stool in front of the thing. He turns me to face towards. Ok....this will be different. And proceeds to shampoo my head.....with COLD water!!!! Ok, now I normally won't claim Western-superiority to anything, but this method is just plain silly. All the water runs down your face, pools at your nose and chin and streams neatly into the sink. Compare that to the US. You lie on your back. The stylist runs the water AWAY from your face and you don't have to worry about inhaling soapy water or getting soap in your eyes. Thankfully, I survived the ordeal.

Then I needed to explain my requirements (where'd Manu go?). #2 Trimmer Blade on the Sides and Back. Short on top, Side part. Very simple. He gives me the "yes" bob from the other day. Of course, if you were paying attention this means "I understand" or "I have no idea what you just said so let's just make it up as we go".

Actually he did an okay job. The top isn't short enough, but that's ok. He doesn't know about styling gel so he wanted to make sure I guess that it parts on its own. Speaking of which, he set a surgically precise part. My mom would have been so disappointed; she yells at me when the part it too wavy and complains when the part is perfectly straight. Moms!! One of these days I AM gonna carry through on my promise to #2 blade my entire head!!! I was thinking about the day before my sister's wedding as being an ideal opportunity. We'll put it up to a vote - majority wins. Voting is open until Midnight IST on May 30, 2004. I like to keep things interactive. ;-)

The scary part is that I never saw any of that funky blue disinfectant stuff, so who knows how the combs and scissors are cleaned. The trimmers kept interfering with the blade guards and kept sputtering. You would think that with 220 Volts those things would be zipping right along! The method was completely different, but I guess it worked. We'll know for sure tomorrow.

One of my ex-coworkers in the US would say "What lawn mower did you use last night to cut your hair" anytime I got a hair cut, so I suppose it is probably up to his standard and thus ok.

Oh yeah, at the end before he "styled" it I was given a scalp massage. It was weird. Not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing. THAT's when you want female stylists!!!

All this for Rs80. Yeah, like 1.86 USD. I gave him the Rs100 bill and said keep it. He was so happy!

Yesterday was a big day as well. We finally got the seized equipment released from the evil clutches of the Cochin Customs officials. The final cost was Rs63,600 in duties, penalties and made-up charges. It basically came down to "we don't see those things, so we didn't know what to do with it". I love completely arbitrary systems!

So I get the scope home and things look somewhat clear. Hoping to see Jupiter, perhaps Comet NEAT and whatever else I can point at. Three problems in ascending severity a) They locked the roof on me and I can't figure out how they did it, b) it was hot and humid as hell with a billion mosquitoes out and c) the tripod mount's drive controller board blew up.

Before you go and accuse me of being too stinking stupid to figure out how to work a door or it's latches / locks you must understand that a) I unlocked the door, b) opened the latches on the top and bottom of the door and c) the thing seems to be welded from the roof-side. This baffles me as why would they do that?? If the hot water heater blows up, they'd need to break down the door.....maybe that's my solution.

Oh yeah, just because that reminds me of something and I need to write it before I forget it....last week it rained like every day. The locals said it was much worse than the monsoon. Killed some 40 or so fishermen supposedly.

Anyway, what is not present when it's raining? That's right! The Sun is missing.

Now, what does Scott need for his hot shower in the morning???? Hot water! Right again.

But what is required to MAKE hot water in Scott's strange little world??? the SUN! Soooo, by then end of the week we were back to cold showers. Fortunately the SUN showed up shortly thereafter and things have been fine since, but you have to wonder, "WHAT THE HECK IS PREVENTING THEM FROM INSTALLING THE PORTABLE WATER HEATER!!!! IT'S LIKE
$60 USD!!! BUY IT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!!" That reminds me, I need to check on that tomorrow.....

Back to the scope, I got everything setup and plugged the mount into the battery and the controller started smoking. Bring it inside, open it up and one of the diodes blew up. Not sure what we're gonna do about that. I have calls into the mount mfg to see what my options are. Right now I have a $5500 worth of paperweights..... When it rains, it pours.....

We also learned today that it's best if you don't know, don't ask and best of all, don't even think "how?"!!

Cases in point. At lunch today in my heaping plate of rice was a dead insect. Wasn't that big, but had wings and itty bitty legs.....I removed the offending bug and forced myself to not think about it....

What other dead members of the insect family are in my curry?

Then I had a horrible thought regarding the cleaning of the dishes. The thought had crossed my mind before, but I was always able to suppress it from my mind until the bug incident just mentioned. I drink typically double or triple treated water (2-3L a day of Aquafina). So does Riley, but they use the tap water to wash the dishes in......how long before that catches up to me? If the water is not safe to drink, why are they using it to cook / clean with? And if it's not safe to drink why aren't
all the Indians getting sick? If I replaced my weak-ass-American blood with Indian blood could I tolerate unfit water and horrendous levels of curry and chili powder in my food? Would I be less susceptible to sunburns?? This heat????

Changing gears without a clutch, I will now address this peanut-gallery's list of comments, complaints and insinuations as to
avoid any miscommunication or misunderstanding as to what's really happening here.

1 - Regarding the frozen toilet paper. You'd view the solution a whole lot differently after you've had fire shooting out of your behind due to the curry and chili powder consumed during the previous day's meal. Something nice and cold would feel mighty nice during those rare moments!!!

2 - I don't have to deal with the squatting toilets here (you know, the kind that is basically a porcelain basin set in the floor). MOST everywhere has the Western sit-down ones; I'll be more afraid as I get to exploring the area....

3 - Lizards - Don't warn your mom in advance about your sending her the lizard you caught for her birthday! She has a permanent refuse-shipment order with UPS, USPS and Fed Ex regarding ANY package from India with holes in it. Maybe I'll route it to some contacts in the US first to get past her defenses....

4 - Yes this is like China. Only the insane drive here. I wish I could video tape this for you....it is completely nucking futs.

5 - How the hell do these e-mails get so damn long!!!???

6 - No cranes here for construction. Reinforced concrete poured by hand and carried to where it needs to go via the bamboo scaffolding. I would actually be afraid to go into some of those buildings....they just don't LOOK safe.

7 - Customs will probably seize anything cool or useful you would try to send me. I'll make a list as required, but right now we're ok.

8 - On second thought, I REALLY need one (1) Losmandy G8 Replacement Drive Controller Box........

9 - There is absolutely NO truth whatsoever that I am changing my name to Scott Lindiastrom.

10 - I am not growing a mustache. Probably couldn't even if I wanted to.

10a - Maybe I should call the number on the billboard promising to restore your bald head to it's youthful full head of hair in only 3 minutes! What would a mustache take? 10 seconds!!?? Don't know about y'all but I am envisioning the "can-o-hair" that they tried in the US in the early nineties.

11 - I had nothing to do with Vajpayee's ouster or Gandhi's victory. She's not even a real Indian. She's Italian and married a Gandhi while in England.....

Anyway, her party won, but not enough for a majority so they need to do one of them-there coalition fiasco things. The humorous thing is that she needs to ally herself with the Communists, but the Communists and the Congressional Party don't agree on ANYTHING, but they have promised to work together. Oh yeah, so the day after the election the country is
so happy, what does it do? Crash the stock market. 6% down today. We'll watch this with ever increasing curiosity. If I'm lucky this will work itself out in time for the pending fiasco also known as the US Presidential election. Good thing I am a Florida resident now! ;-)

12 - My hanging chads are still in customs.....they were fearful it may sway the election here. They are being returned to Florida.

13 - If I hear one more person ask me about my BIG plans on the weekends, I will...I don't know what I will do, but you'll be sorry for pushing me!!!

14 - Fortunately y'all know of the left hand so we don't need to ever bring it up again

15 - For the record, I am NOT hearing voices. My dog has developed the amazing ability of communication as a result of the effects of prolonged high-altitude, low temperature flight. We've been discussing the nuances and intricacies of Superstring theory and its effect on the origins and fate of the universe through the coupling of quantum mechanics with general relativity. I have a couple novel ideas for Stephen Hawking I need to type up. My damn dog is demanding co-authorship, though....

Ok - THAT's IT for now. This was a two-item update that turned into a minor epic!

Hopefully I am continuing to amuse you with my Indian Chronicles. More information as experience dictates!

PS - vanilla coke is being advertised here....wonder how long before we find someplace that sells it!