The India Chronicles (Day 32)

Howdy y'all! (my publicist recommended I try to broaden my demographic appeal by pandering to them folks in the Southern US).

I complained in my last update about my lack of hot water upstairs and the next day the property manager (I use that term loosely) stopped by to tell me that the plumber would be by around 9:00 to install the hot water. WOOHOO!!!

I got up early to wait for a plumber (who was an hour late)and then watched him spend 3.5 hours running a pipe from the Solar Water heater to my shower in my bathroom. This involved much running upstairs, running outside, walking on the balcony, climbing the concrete wall, back and forth, etc. Seems their idea was to connect the solar heater instead of the portable hot water heater. We'll see how much hot water we have once the monsoon drenches everything.

You would think he'd have a drill to cut through the wall (the pipe runs down the outside wall and comes straight through the side wall of the bathroom), but no. He has a hammer and a chisel of some kind. Anyway I hear the repetitive, CRASH, CRASH, CRASH for like an hour as he chisels out a large hole in my bathroom's concrete wall to the outside. THEN,
he goes to the roof and proceeds to chisel a hole through 6 inches of solid concrete wall (the roof's railing). What a mess. Anyway, he finishes up right before I am to go to the wedding and more or less cleans up the massive mess he created and plasters the hole so more bugs don't come in and try to eat me alive during the night.

So, that excitement behind me I go to the wedding. They got engaged two weeks ago. And no, she's not pregnant! And this was an arranged marriage with the "first right of refusal" going to the kids. It's not all "you WILL marry THIS person OR ELSE" here.

A Christian wedding. Not only that, this thing is full Catholic....but without all the readings and hymns and the priests chant a lot more and the music was a cross between Malayalam pop and American rock, but the bride and groom got their chairs to relax while all the chanting and blessing and praying was going on. The music was STRANGE! Oh, and the whole thing was in Malayalam, or Hindi, or Tamil, or Martian. Doesn't matter - had no idea what the heck was going on. I did happen to catch
the Father-Son-Holy Spirit and the Amen parts, but that was it. Stand when everyone else stands, sit when everyone else sits and kneel when ordered (kinda like the friend of mine's wedding I was in - that priest was SCARY. Absolute fear of God!).

No one from work went to the wedding. See? It is more "cool" to go to the RECEPTION. Besides, in India they believe in things called auspicious weeks and inauspicious weeks (days and hours as well). They won't do anything important like get married, start a new job, retire, etc. unless it is an auspicious something. If it's inauspicious, forget about it. I asked what they did if their wife decided to go into labor on an inauspicious occasion (this is a legitimate question - it's not like that kind of thing can really be PLANNED!)? I am told that it is NOT unusual to deliver the child but not to remove the child from the
delivery room until it IS auspicious and the birth certificate reflects the date the child was "delivered" from the delivery room.

SO - the point here is that there are very few days available in the grand scheme of things for big important things like weddings, so it is not unusual for a family to have 2-5 weddings and receptions to attend in a given day (remember there is only one day off here!). To maximize the "coverage" it is also not unusual for the parents to go to, say weddings 1 and 3, while the children (at least the ones old enough to go on their own) go to, say weddings 2 and 4 and everyone meets at wedding number 5. Their rationale is a) who wants to sit through a wedding and b) there's free food at the reception. I certainly see their point. Maximize the amount of free food on your day off. Perhaps you can swipe some food and not have to worry about grocery shopping or cooking for a few days!

I digress, the church was pretty nice, somewhat old (part of the Verapaly Archdiocese I think - I probably spelled that wrong and am too darn lazy to log on and check) and the strange thing is....almost ALL of the women sat on the left and almost ALL of the men on the right (and before you even get that question in your mind, I was properly instructed to sit on the right).

(I just threw my dog's tennis ball across the room and he does the BEST cartoon thing where his feet are going a mile a minute, and he's not going anywhere.....tile floors! MUST....NOT....HAVE....FUN....AT.....DOG'S....EXPENSE....)

Whoops! Back to the wedding....

I was told there was no dress code; I could show up in shorts for all they cared. The women were in their everyday Sari's or Churidars and the men were in pants an various styles of shirts. Some of them wore a traditional Kerala thing which I don't remember the name of (Malayalam is just plain difficult) that is basically a white towel-like fabric that is worn like a skirt (down to the ankles). When they get hot, they pull the thing up and tie it around their waist, so then they have a
mini-skirt.....

This is NOT on my next clothing shopping list!

I wore slacks and a button down dress shirt and was HOT!!!! I'll leave it to the peanut gallery to interpret that one....

The groom was dressed in a straightforward Grey suit and the bride showed up in a very nice peach-colored sari. So THAT's what a nice one looks like. At least I thought it was peach (you women in the audience probably would tell me that it was some stupid fruit name color, or pastel thing) while others among you would remind me I am color blind and state that I am not qualified to identify the color. Hell, it could have been lavender with maize polka-dots, but the color is not important! (if it was maize and blue it would have been the coolest thing in all of India!)

He and his family wait for the bride and party at the front of the church and eventually they make the procession. Lots of bridesmaids, no groomsmen. The usual number of photographers (professional and amateur) and videographers were there as well. They all walk down the aisle to a funky rendition of "here comes the bride" (or whatever the actual name
of the piece by Tchaikovsky (it's probably "The Wedding March" and I'm not looking it or that Russian composer's name starting with T up to confirm).

It's then your normal wedding, but at some point, instead of rings I think, he places a gold necklace around her neck and ties it in a not. I was told in the Hindi weddings this is symbolic (has something to do with the father giving the daughter to the groom and the groom saying "I have you now" (without the evil Darth Vader voice). I half expected her to grab his balls and say "who has who?" with a wink, but....Ok, that was probably over the line, but I am leaving it in.

The reception was at one of the five star hotels in an outside, covered pavilion thing. This thing was HUGE. The whole point of a reception is to cram as many people as you know into an area for two hours, provide them with a little refreshment (not a meal), get them all to praise the newlyweds (I guess that's ok) and to mingle with family and friends as if it's one BIG family reunion. No dancing. No band. No toast, just the bride and groom sitting big plush "kingly" chairs on a stage under a
big square decorated canopy. There is some kind of action on the stage with parents, and certain friends and they call people up to do other little ceremonies, but none of my group was there to tell me what the heck was going on. They probably drew close to a thousand people for this.

I was asked earlier in the week if I wanted to contribute to the wedding fund. Sure! How much? "Hundred rupees is all" Must stop responding with "is that it?".....

It was a nice little reception. The Mexican Brownies were to die for (I have no idea why....) and the little chicken wraps were spicy in a non spicy hot way. Very tasty!

So I am now on to your questions and/or comments:

1 - Baby is NOT the one from Dirty Dancing and I most certainly do NOT dress up as Patrick Swayze!!! (I hated that movie)

2 - My driver has a car...the elephant's currently in the shop.

3 - Driving here. I will now comment on why I do not drive here for those that don't know / understand. A friend of mine and I have compared notes between India and Taiwan and agree that things are VERY similar. I say that India is worse than Taiwan, but he says NOTHING is worse than Nantong or Dongguan China. I'll take his word for that, but I didn't think Dongguan was that bad....

Rule Number 1 - There are no rules
Rule Number 2 - Green means go
Rule Number 3 - Yellow means keep going (you can even speed up if you wish)
Rule Number 4 - Red Means Go REALLY fast
Rule Number 5 - We don't need no stinkin' center line...
Rule Number 6 - If you outrank the vehicle in front of you (see below) you can swing into oncoming traffic to try to pass. There is no rush. Trust the driver....even though you're about to get crushed by the oncoming bus that is RIGHT in front of you, your driver is a highly trained professional and its best of your just let him do his job.
Rule Number 7 - In line with rule number 1, Rule Number 6 is negotiable; i.e. ANYONE can pass, cut-off, swerve around or otherwise impede any other vehicle
Rule Number 8 - The autorickshaws (little three wheeler taxi-things that sound like a moped on helium) own the road. They will try to execute unannounced u turns, they will cut completely across the lane to make an unannounced turn, they stop suddenly to pick up / drop off passengers and basically do as they please. They only yield, slow down or otherwise STOP when their lives are in danger. Make 'em think you'll run their ass over and they'll STOP!
Rule Number 9 - There are traffic cops enforcing the traffic laws, but it seems they only direct traffic. I don't think they know what the traffic laws are either!

The pecking order here is:
People yield to bicycles who yield to motorcycles who yield to cars who yield to buses who yield to trucks who may or may not yield to an autorickshaw...

Oh, and don't hit the cows walking down the middle of the street; the locals get real upset if you do that.

Sometimes we go to a street called MG Road. It's THE shopping area around here. Many times there is no parking where you want to go, so you park on the other side. It may take you 10 minutes to cross the road.

It is like a high-level real-life game of Frogger! You walk up, then right, then back, then up, then back, then left, then left, then up and ..... stand on the concrete wall while you wait for the gap in traffic from the other direction, then do whatever is necessary to cross. It's very nerve wracking....remember the pecking order referenced above....

On a somewhat related topic, only because it relates to vehicles, roads and I am thinking of it now, "what's a tow truck?". We were driving home the other day and a bus was on the side of the road...IN PIECES! There were pieces of the engine and transmission lying around the bus with like 8 Indians crouched around or crawling under this bus with various tools and parts in their hands. You see, it broke down so they just brought the mechanics to the road to fix the bus. It was still there today....

I don't drive here because it is chaos on wheels.....one of my employees who went to VG for training specifically refused to drive in the US because, and I am not making this up, there are too many rules and people drive too fast. Different points of view, I guess...

5 - I would not compare this to the 8th circle of hell. More like limbo...

6 - Describing Baby. Based on my given choices, she's a cross between Rosario from Will and Grace and Alice from the Brady Bunch.

7 - I am 20 minutes from the Taj Malabar hotel and in fact, when I don't live here, that's where I stay. Very nice hotel, if I may say. Come visit - you can stay there in luxurious surroundings!

8 - I have one vote to buzz cut the hair and one demand from my sister to "don't you even think about it." I am somewhat curious to know what the implied "..or else" entails! ;-) Who does she think she is, the Bride!!??

The rationale behind such a vote is to minimize the risk of pesky insects traveling back to the US and starting a pandemic. You can't argue with science!

9 - You could probably get the 24 pack of Charmin into the country as I don't think they would seize it to turn it into "clothing for the needy". I mean, really, once it rains their outfit is ruined.

10 - the newspaper column thing was a joke. As in ha ha funny. Maybe you can figure out the humor....

11 - You wanna call and laugh at me? Best times are between 9:00 AM and 1:30 PM EDT. That is my evening (between 6:30 PM and 11:00 PM)

12 - Read the messages, people. The dog IS here! He hasn't become lunch special number 5 and he's not stuck in quarantine. It was easier to import the dog than it was to import a telescope!

13 - Taking Bruce Springsteen's phrase just one step further.....Someday we'll all look back on this and plow into a parked car.

With that, I bring this chapter of the Indian Chronicles to a close.

Just for fun, I want anyone (that means ANYONE) who gets this from whomever and wherever to e-mail me. I want to get a sense as to how big this thing has grown.

Stay out of trouble...I'm gonna go look for a nice dusty curb to sit down and read on (3 books down and about 15 to go).

PS - Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep within the Earth.