The India Chronicles (Day 84)

Just a quick note to let everyone know what's happening in little Cochin.

Last Friday I went to the "swearing-in" ceremony of the Rotary Club of Kallemessary (or something like that). There's like 10-15 Rotary clubs here. I guess it's a service organization and they were having the meeting where the old administration (president and executive council) were outbound and the new administration was inbound. Just your typical meeting. Speeches, blah blah, then "dinner and fellowship". Met an Englishman working for Rolls Royse and the Indian Navy, a Frenchman who has been here for 10 years and is never going back (he owns a few restaurants here), and two French Canadian nurses here working on a 2 month assignment with one of the local nursing colleges.

Turns out there is an expatriate community here that appeared in the local newspaper. There are some Germans, Malaysians, Englishmen, Frenchmen, and some Japanese I think. I will need to check that out, but the newspaper article was commenting on how everyone has fallen in love with Cochin. I have been trying to find something to love about this place, but to no avail so far. It is tolerable, but that's about it I guess.

I have committed through May 2005, but will not speak beyond that. The MD here thinks I should be here a minimum of two years, but I am not sure at this point. Perhaps in November or December I will know either way. I'm told I can renegotiate the deal if I am offered the extension, but we'll see.

The priority now is to figure out where I am going in August. I am still thinking Northeast Australia...

Anyway, I sent all the expense reimbursements in on Tuesday. On Wednesday the people who took care of bringing me my dog notified me that I owed Rs8,000 in duty and "other expenses". I asked for a breakdown since the paperwork valued Riley at Rs1,000 -> that equates to 800% duty!. Customs revalued my dog at Rs10,000 and charged 30% or Rs3,000. Ok I can deal with that. Then they imposed an Rs2,000 Penalty and a Rs1,000 Fine. Don't ask me a) why there's a penalty and b) what the difference between a penalty and a fine is; obviously it is Rs1,000. Then, this is my favorite.....Rs2,000 in undocumented, non-receipted expenses to maintain the value of Riley at Rs10,000. How do you spell BRIBE!!??? I am trying to figure this all out because I find it somewhat fishy that this all comes down 2.25 months after he was delivered to me. We'll see tomorrow, I guess.

The new government here is coming into be and the new budget is passed or something (I really need to get a newspaper), but the local Kerala government supposedly passed a new law concerning "the consumption of alcoholic beverages in public places". You'll love this.

You see, it is perfectly to get hammered in a bar. In fact while they probably discourage such things, so long as you have the Rupees, they have the booze. You can drink in your car; but not it you're driving. So I can get hammered on the way home from work and no one would care. Here's the kicker. Supposedly you need a license to drink alcohol inside your own personal, private home. Rs10,000 paid to the local government and you're all set. Supposedly you get your permit and then you can drink at home. And no! I am NOT making this up! Funny thing is (as if this wasn't funny enough already!) is that no one knows how long these permits are valid for; one sip, one drink, one day, one week, one month, one year?? No one knows. And no matter what happens you can probably get the same thing by paying off, er, bribing, er, contributing to the college funds of certain individuals. Well see what happens. In fact, I'll be breaking the law here shortly with regard to this thing so no one say nuthin', ok?

The eye is no longer sore, but it is still a little blurry. Much better than it was, but not back to full vision yet. Thanks for your concern. Oh, and I read the "ocular lubricant" tube today on the way down to tea; "store in a cool place". !!!!????? Store in a COOL PLACE!!?? I'm in freakin' COCHIN. A HOT, HUMID PLACE! I hope my eye doesn't shrivel up and fall out!

So we bought the transformer for the PS2 and it ddn't work. For Rs180 I guess you get what you pay for. Anyway, Manu took the power cord and the adapter to work to have maintenance test it. Not sure what they were gonna do with the power cord, but the transformer should be testable. The transformer was designed to step down 220V current to 110V/50-60 Hz and to power up to 1000W of "stuff". Well it was only putting out 40V. Not enough juice to the device. So we returned it today and the guy said it wasn't built for DVD's. Not sure what the hell difference it makes, but he gave me my Rs180 back and sold me a big transformer box for Rs520 which had the same specifications, but I guess it's probably more regulated as it has an on-off switch, etc. Needless to say, it works. The PS2 is functioning so that's good.

I also get the Tour de France here on one of the sports channels. My friends in the US would be jealous; 3.5 hours of commercial free coverage with the same race-commentators as I get back home and it's on right after dinner! My July just got booked solid! we'll see if it continues once the international Cricket leagues start up on the 16th.

Oh yeah, here's a quick rant. I hate the telephone systems here. My cell phone can go frm 6 bars to no signal and the phone doesn't move. What the heck's up with THAT? One minute the signal is incredible, the next you lost the call....THEN..

In the office there is NO voice mail. And no direct lines so you call the switchboard and they patch you through (sometimes - some people from work in Europe still have never managed to actually get through to me. Maybe this isn't so bad). The bad thing is that once she puts you through, she could care less a) if you're even there or b) if you answer it. A call can go through to someone and it will ring for 5 minutes. 5 MINUTES!!!! And it's a loud double ring, like you hear when calling the UK. RING-RING..RING-RING (hardly a pause between cycles) RING-RING.....

IT'S DRIVING ME FREAKIN'G CRAZY!!!!! SOMEONE ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE!!!!! AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

And THEN, yesterday another employee came to me complaining that the Deputy Managers in the other half of the company that they had come from are entitled to a cell phone as a benefit and that since that was their title before they should be given one. That could open huge can of worms....need to think about that one.....

I found something for the new guy to do until we figure out how to actually use him, but it's gonna be boring probably initially. We'll see how that works out.

Baby has her Rs10,000. I am now an Indian businessman, so they say. Manu got his watch back, and I got mine back. Most people are wearing Timex watches here and most varieties are between Rs1,495 and Rs 3,000. Just thought you'd like to know that.

Here is the best piece of advice I was given regarding the training of the group. If you knew the individual you'd realize just how funny this really is.

"I'll be glad to help out with your staff training by changing the goal/objective on a daily (or even hourly) basis. Also, I know you won't forget to play with their minds by telling them certain of the underlying data lacks integrity and/or is otherwise unreliable. (Of course, don't tell them which data; make them reason it out on their own.) Helps to builds mental toughness."

Actually, I am not messing with their minds, I am messing with the minds of the VP's. They ask for this and they ask for that to which the response is usually "the fundamental data integrity is not there for that analysis and we're trying to find a way to fix that". So two days later they come up with another way to look at it, which unfortunately for them, is really not much different than the first method, so I get to repeat myself often. I shouldn't enjoy that as much as I do.....

I need to get me some Damnitol!!! I could probably get it dirt cheap here!!

D A M N I T O L - Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to 2 days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N - Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O - Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N - Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N - Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E T - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

I just realized these quick notes go on forever. Sorry! Till next time!