The India Chronicles (Day 158)

From now on I am shooting for weekly updates unless something so earth-shatteringly strange / wonderful happens that warrants a special bulletin. We are again just going to bounce around here and when I get tired of typing I'll stop.

Here's something strange that I am not sure even the people who have recently visited caught up on. Every day on the way in to work, there are like billions of people walking along the street, down the middle of the street or across the street. No big deal, we haven't hit anyone yet (that I know of). But we always seem to pass people outside their home / shack / shop doing the strangest thing: they are raking the street. Yes, that's right....big bamboo rakes and they are raking the big chunks of garbage off the street!! Sometimes they are sweeping the dirt / dust / mud off the street as well with their little Indian brooms. Not sure what the point of that is, in 3 hours it will be covered in dirty, dusty filth yet again.

While I do appreciate the thought of people trying to clean up their little part of the world, it highlights something which is much more problematic.....this place is filthy! I am so sick and tired of seeing guys urinating in the gutter, along a wall, or just in the middle of the road This occurs at least twice a day. That alone is enough to drive me crazy, but the other problem is there is trash / garbage EVERYWHERE!!! I pass what I think are two "dumps" along the side of the road every morning and I have seen the following "activities": Old ladies scavenging through the trash looking for God knows what, guys raking the garbage for God knows what purpose and people collecting some of the garbage and moving it into a large flatbed lorry to probably move it to some area not so conspicuous. Saturday or Sunday was international Coastline Cleanup Day (or something) and they removed 2000 kgs (4400 lbs) of trash from 3 little Cochin beaches!!! As I said - filthy!

Speaking of dirt - one week I would LOVE to get all of my clothes out of the washer cleaner than they went in!!!! I have a white dress shirt that has never had anything spilled on it and it has gone through the wash 3 times (twice by itself) and has some ugly yellow stain all over it! Clean clothes - is that too much to ask???

One more grip; all bathrooms in the office are now out of toilet paper. Been out for 3 days now. I guess I need to start bringing my own....

My new driver has now started. His name is Biju. He drives like a little old lady. His chest is probably 6 inches from the steering wheel, he makes turns at about 5 km per hour, accelerates from 0-40 kph in about 3.5 minutes and stalls the car at least once each trip. So THIS is what it was like for my dad when he was teaching me how to drive a stick shift! Sorry, dad!

The most troubling part of the stalled car thing is that he usually does it a) in the middle of an intersection or b) in the middle of a turn onto a busy road. Usually caused by him slowing down, forgetting he is in 2nd or 3rd gear, and then trying to accelerate in that gear from 2kph. One of these days a bus won't be able to stop in time.....

Oh, and his English is either truly deplorable or he's hiding the fact that he knows it. It was a major fiasco the other day when I needed to get my haircut and go to the bank. English wasn't working (I was even starting to speak Tonto-English: "Straight. Left at sign. Turn. Sign - left!" He just stared at me. Then I said "I need to go to Citibank on MG Road (which we were on) or Federal Towers bank on Marine Drive". Blank Stare. I repeated it moooooooorrrrrrrrrreeeeeeee sllllloooooooowwwwwwwllllllllyyyyyyyy tttthhhhhhiiiiiiiissssss ttttiiiiiiimmmmmmmeeeee. He said "marine drive". Ok - I can deal with that - Marine drive it is. Needless to say we made it.

He doesn't really help with much, so when I go into the supermarket now I am on my own, which is fine. He did help me carry 6 beers, 3 L of Pepsi, 4kg of dog food and my laptop into the apartment on Sat. so all is not lost.

Manu leaves for the Bangalore nurses tomorrow!

Here's something out of the downright strange files. On cars, buses, trucks, etc. here you MAY see the following hanging off the front bumper: one lemon, one red and one green chili hanging from a string. Why you ask!!??? To protect the car, the occupants and to keep the mechanical parts from breaking down. I did not make this up. So if you see an Indian vehicle with a lemon and 2 chilies attached to a string hanging on a car you'll know why. I hope the Frenchman's driver puts one on his car; wouldn't want there to be more than the two accidents he's already had in 3 weeks!!!!

About two weeks ago, my boss was here and all his direct reports from Cochin went to dinner. It was my job to pull it all together. We went to a seafood place (not the one you're thinking!) and it all worked out. I love free food! Actually this place was quite tasty. Felt bad for the Frenchman, our boss made him choose the wine which must have been painful because as we were waiting for the table he was looking at the French wines on display in the front and was almost spitting on them; "this is crap!", "they wouldn't serve this wine to the dogs in France", etc. He's actually quite amusing (in his past life he worked for the nuclear reactor side of our company - how cool is that??). The white wine he ordered from France, while not stellar, was serviceable so all was not lost. The funny part was that these two Indian guys walk up with their guitars and ask us if they can play anything for us. Our boss says "your choice, Scott", but I was highly suspicious in their ability to pull off any Godsmack, Metallica, Santana or Gordon Lightfoot. They suggested, get this, Simon and Garfunkel. This ought to be good! Sure! They said "The Sounds of Silence"? OK! The strange part is that they were actually quite good. Their guitars, of course were not Martin's, and they probably weren't even Framus-caliber :-(, but they were good in a very strange way. They then went and did Bridge Over Troubled Water to the table down the way a bit (that's my Southern phrase for the day). I was not expecting acoustic harmony from two Indian dudes lugging guitars around a restaurant!

Now we are on to the resume comments:

Sex Male
Marital Status Single
Blood Group A+

(Comment - that's got to be the first time I have seen blood type hawked on a resume. PICK ME, PICK ME!! I'VE GOT TYPE A+, SO YOU KNOW I'M GOOD! Actually, I think this candidate would be beneficial should I need a transfusion, I think I am A+)

OBJECTIVE - To join a growing institution, to become a contributing member utilizing my education to achieve and surpass corporate goals, and to be an influence that stays forever in the minds.

(Comment - doesn't say whether or not the influence he wants to stay forever in the minds is a good one or a bad one)

OBJECTIVE - Pursuing for the chance, which gives me a challenging, rewarding Career to prove myself.

OBJECTIVE - To win the respect of intelligent people, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to thrive for the success of the organization and self.

And right now the following wins, hands down, as the coolest / strangest thing I have ever seen!

The candidate is describing their latest project work, involving sensors, switches, a lot of circuits, blah, blah, blah, but THIS got my attention:

Application - This project has a variety of application the foremost of which can be to jam a remote operated bomb.

(Comment - How cool is THAT!?? Going from jamming remote operated bombs to manipulating Excel documents. THAT's a step up!)

I really need to talk to HR. They sent me 245 resumes for ONE opening. I don't have time for that!

Ok, real quick we'll discuss how people get hired here. Short-list the candidates based on their resumes. Call in 5-10 (pay for them to come to Cochin). Then me, the HR guy and the Managing Director sit on the far side of a conference room opposite the candidate. Talk about terrifying! I had one guy basically freeze; he didn't say more than maybe 20 words the whole time (ok, he said more than that, but the interview wasn't that long and he wasn't chosen). Starts out like this:
HR Guy asks about personal background, where they went to school, what they studied, career experience and family information (mother's name, profession, employer, father's name, profession, employer, sibling names, occupations, employers, etc). I then get to question them, which up to now has been predominately a one-way street as I think they are "terrified of the foreigner" and only speak when spoken to, etc. We also make them repeat what they heard me say, in their own words, to ensure that they are understanding me. At the end the HR guy asks what they require in the form of compensation, they usually answer then and there, and if later we make an offer we usually get them for 20-30% less than they were demanding. I guess it's the allure of the large multinational! Or the fear of the foreigner!

Went to the eye doctor Monday. My eye had an episode late last week, but it was more or less back to normal by the office visit. I had the first appointment of the day at 9:00. Can someone explain to me why I wasn't seen until 9:25??? I mean, c'mon! Nothing has happened and you're already behind schedule! I hate doctors!

Anyway there is good news and bad news. The good news is I don't have to go back there ever again. The bad news, my condition has a name and I need to see a cornea specialist in the US upon my return! I have Recurring Corneal Erosion Syndrome. Go ahead and google it! Basically it says this will probably never go away; if it recurs, I need to bandage and lubricate it for 3-4 nights. So I now need to locate a cornea-specialist in Raleigh to visit while home in 3.5 weeks! Oh joy!

Other than that, things are peachy!

Riley's legs are back to normal. He's still fat, but he's less fat now than he was. The fact that it is not raining all the time allows us to take nice walks again in the evening. I need to call the traveling vet for his shots. There are immunizations here that are recommended that are not heard of in the US. That should be fun.

We don't have weather forecasters here. I think someone just issues a forecast and leaves. The thing never changes. The following has been our forecast for the last three months:

"Rain or thunderstorms are likely to occur over Kerala, and Lackshadweep
and over Tamil Nadu, Pondicherry, coastal Andhra Pradesh, Rayalaseema,
coastal and south inferior Karnataka. Isolated rain or thunderstorms are
likely to occur over Rayalaseema, Telangana and Karnataka"

No wonder why Manu answered "Maybe!" anytime I asked it if was going to rain that night!

I guess there was an incident in a bar somewhere in Kerala recently. some people got drunk and became blind while drinking bootleg / cheap liquor. The government has investigated and come up with the solution: "good quality liquor to be made affordable!"

So there you go - government sponsored drinking! You should be able to get a pint of rum, whisky or vodka for Rs 100 from now on so the common man can get drunk without worrying about his/her health! 400K government employees can't be wrong, right!?

Ok, that's it for now. Enjoy your week. Till next time.